The Whiskey Diaries: Entry V

Its now gotten to the point where I wonder what I need to control more; my emotions, or my drinking. Because it’s painfully clear to me now that they both directly affect one another.

I’m so sick of waking up with a feeling of such anxiety – that eventually causes an immense feeling of fear – that I have to drink or take drugs to feel better. That shouldn’t be the way anyone lives their life. And no one else should have to live with someone like me either. It’s just not fair.

As much as it hurts to type this and admit this, a huge source of my issues stem from my own mother. I’ve known it deep down for years, but I guess saying it out-loud and announcing it or sure still hurts. I turned 32 three days ago, and my biggest birthday present from her came in the form of a magnificent lie. After finally feeling good about myself and getting my drinking under control, I let myself sink back down into my so called “rabbit hole” and drank more than I usually do. And I blame her, even though I know I should only blame myself – I mean, it’s not like she held a gun to my head… not physically anyways.

At this point in time I’m not even entirely sure what to say, for her or myself. I am a product of my upbringing, and she is the exact reason I have always stated I do not want children of my own. I am terrified of that idea. I have nightmares about it at times.

I can say I would have never became an alcoholic if she didn’t have a bottle of vodka sitting on our kitchen counter when I was a teenager, always ready for when she had a bad day or a bad moment – I mean, what do you think that teaches a child? Her way of dealing with her anger was either taking it out on me physically or drinking herself to sleep. I can blame her, sure. But I am my own person, I am in control of myself (for the most part) so I can’t blame anyone but myself.

I feel it took me finally waking up one day and realizing this on my own – for she is the reason I don’t like other people trying to convince me of anything.

Not to say she hasn’t tried, I’m not trying to make her out as this evil, cold-hearted person. But I can’t help it that the bad stands out more than the good. I was never taught or shown a good way of dealing with bad emotions. I was never shown another way other than complete and full release of anger. I was never informed that there was another way to go about things than emotional and physical destruction. And I promise, to myself and the person I love more than anything, I will never allow myself to instill that into anyone, ever.

When you have had something told to you for over two decades of your life, only to see it a different way for yourself, it causes an explosion of thoughts and emotions. That explosion only causes irreparable damage. I refuse to allow that to be who I am any longer. This is my wake up call.

And just like any drug addiction, I need to quit her.

I want to be a better person, I really do. And I am lucky to have the opportunity to do so, the mentality to tell me so, and the drive to do so.

Say When…

SONY DSC

What do you do when the tables turn, and you’re more in control of your mind and emotions than you have been in a very long time? What happens when you are so used to being out of control, that the one time you are in control of your mind and your thoughts, it’s almost like you have a second part of you watching everything from afar and thinking separate thoughts at the same time you are thinking your own?

The drive to want and need to be better, to get back to the old me – the person I used to be and the things I used to love – has become so strong it’s started to overpower other things in my life – including the alcoholism and certain emotions. I usually do my best thinking when I am angry or hurt; for some reason it became the greatest motivation in my life. A few weeks ago I had my mother rallying around me, being supportive and telling me she would do anything to help me, that after all this time and everything that’s happened it’s now her turn to help me – I can’t even explain the onslaught of emotions that made me feel and think about. But it was very short lived; I only get the support if I am who she wants me to be. And, regardless of who that is, I promised myself over half my life ago that I would never be who she wanted me to be because I wasn’t even sure I liked who she was. I’m still not sure…

I turn 32 in two months, do you think I have any intention of becoming someone else just so someone can love me? At this point in my life you can either love me for who I am or fuck off, it really doesn’t matter to me anymore. I’m not going to let the negative emotions control what I do or how I think anymore. I stopped doing that a few weeks ago and I refuse to turn back and sink back down into that rabbit hole of depression. There are too many people and too many opinions in this world to do that.

I don’t ask for help very often. In fact, I rarely ask for it. I grew up having to be self-sufficient and figuring things out on my own. I grew up with the knowledge that you cannot just speak your mind for some people will think you’re crazy or just plain change their opinions about you, no matter the past history or connection. So… when I do ask for help and its ignored, or even muted, I go right back to that mentality of “I’m on my own, always have been, so I’ll do this on my own too.” Let’s get one thing straight, when I say help I mean mental and emotional help and support, information about things, – I can change my own tires.

When do you get to the point where you stop everything and rethink your entire life? Now?