The Whiskey Diaries: Entry II

I hate that I wake up every morning with this incredible feeling of anxiety and worry.

I hate it even more that it doesn’t subside until I take a single shot of alcohol. Then… 15 minutes later, I’m fine. I can do what I need to do for the day and get on with life.

Currently, I am prepping a beef stew from scratch to put in the slow-cooker for the day. There are things I need to do to further my progress here if any is going to happen at all. (I had no idea getting a copy of my birth certificate due to the state and county I was born in would be so god damned difficult). Getting out of the house will definitely help. Yesterday I chose to dive around after grocery shopping to photograph some of the new sites around me which I plan on posting later.

I have currently been in contact with two different rehab agencies, and am waiting on the health care to get straightened out before I am placed/can pick a detox location. I am choosing in-patient recovery, and yes, I have chosen to do this on my own free will. I want to go. I know I have a problem, that is now beyond my control and causing damage I may never be able to repair.

Currently, it seems the heavy withdrawal days are far and few between – but then what do I know if I can only stand to be awake a couple of hours before feeling like I’m going to burst with anxiety and take a drink? I think the anxiety is my worst fear – which technically speaking is a double-edged sword; I have anxiety DUE to fear, but my anxiety causes me to be afraid and paranoid. I can deal with the sickness; the sweats, shakes, puking, freezing cold shivers, all of that. It’s the anxiety, the fear – I have always preferred physical pain over mental.

I’m just glad that the last few days, I have been able to get through life and see a positive light at the end of this tunnel, whatever it may be. I have a positive outlook, and for now that is all I can hold onto when it comes to this. That, is all.

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