Those who smile the brightest…

Have you ever heard the phrase “The saddest people smile the brightest.”?

I can’t even begin to explain how true that is.

I ruined my health almost a decade ago. I used to write a lot, but lately I don’t because I’m not even sure I want to record it. And, where does it go anyway? That phrase would be written on my tombstone, if I weren’t too claustrophobic to be potentially buried in a box. Not my idea of eternity.

Anyways, I’m having one of those days again… where my heart beats too fast and my nerves are on fire. First episode in over a month. I’m too independent for this shit. I’m always the one in control. So when I feel like I’m not, it’s not a very good day. I find myself day-dreaming in between wondering how the fuck I lost myself. I end up stress-cleaning my house. Which is all fine and dandy, until you find yourself obsessing over tiny details, like the way your base boards are painted, or the shape of your pantry door. Crazy right? I know.

If we could only imagine ourselves a new life… wouldn’t that be grand?

I’ve been meaning to write – there have been so many words and phrases clogging up my head. I just lost the motivation, honestly. I’ve been trying to do things around the house, focusing on my hobbies, cleaning and moving things. But no matter what I feel like I’m stuck in this self made cloud. A constant circular event of being OK, then not, then OK again. I swear the only thing that gets me through these days are knowing I will and can be OK again.

I have someone that helps so much, I can’t even begin to explain. Do you know what it feels like to owe your life to someone? I do. And they deserve so much better than who I am, honest. I don’t know if I could ever be that kind of person; I’m too selfish and greedy. I know that about myself. And the worst part is; I know my faults, I know what is wrong with me, but don’t have the power to change it.

So, be warned; don’t let your negative feelings control you. Don’t give your darker side the power. Because once you do, gluttony takes over, and it’s a fight to the death to get your power back.

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