I honestly feel like a total fuck-up some days.
Last night I went out to have some fun, ended up having too much to drink, picked a fight over something incredibly insignificant, tried to leave and drive home drunk while being fought the whole time (rightfully so), came home, bitched and ranted about still being mad, and slept in a different room of my home instead of my bedroom.
Today, I left the house emotional and angry, drove way too fast to where I was going, self indulged in some hair dye and nail supplies, then, while leaving the parking lot and only driving five miles per hour, ran my car into the side of another car. While my car only suffered scratches to my bumper and front emblem, the other guy’s car suffered a ruined front fender and a ruined front hub for the tire, making the car un-drivable. My first ever car accident, and one of the worst days of my life so far. I admitted full fault and gave the person all of my info. Luckily, I just happened to get a really calm, collected, and understanding person. I really did expect him to get out of his car, yell at me, tell me I’m an idiot, ask me why the fuck I didn’t watch where I was going, but instead he was incredibly cool about it.
To be honest, I was still emotional when I was leaving the parking lot, had tears in my eyes (which is never a good way to drive), and once we were finished calling our insurance companies and figuring everything out, I noticed that the corner of where I was originally turning to leave had a hedge that was about 4 feet tall. What the fuck?
My nights lately have been filled with dreams that are so vivid, about my daily life, people I know, and places I’ve been, that I don’t even feel like I’m sleeping anymore. Each night I dream about this same house, this same situation, and it’s been happening for so long now that I know I’m dreaming. I wake up every day feeling sleep deprived and more exhausted than the day before. I spend most of the day thinking about it, wondering why I keep having the dreams.
I start a job in two days. I’m hoping once my mind is busy being occupied with other things for the day, some of this will subside and I can feel somewhat normal again. Because I can’t take much more of this; the anxiety, the near panic attached, the horrible dreams, the exhaustion, feeling like I’ve lost myself… I just want to feel normal again.