The initial morning anxiety seems to be happening less and less lately, I’ve had more frequent mornings of waking up and feeling motivated to do something for the day.
The house is finally almost completely unpacked, and now the issue is finding out what to do with all of the extra space that we now have in the new house. I finally got back into doing some of my hobbies that I enjoy, which is also helping to feel more normal than I have been the last few months. The photography gets me out of the house and makes me explore the area, so instead of feeling stuck in the house all day I can actually see some interesting sites and get some air. The pyrography gets me to be creative and put some skills to work, it also keeps me calm and from drinking too much since I can’t really be “drunk” to do those projects.
The drinking is still there, a bottle of Jameson currently sits at home in my pantry. I had a few upsetting phone calls with the rehab agencies; either wanted to send me 800 miles or 1000 miles further away that what I already feel from “home.” When I explained half of my current issue was already feeling isolated and being as far away from all my familiar surroundings, I was told I was being unreasonable… Fuck it, maybe to them I was. But I’m not going to do anything I’m not initially comfortable with. But something changed in me that day, something flipped that angry “Fuck You” switch and that has always been my biggest motivator. It’s been since that day that I have been forcing myself to drink less and do more.
I’ve always had an issue with not feeling in control of my own life or destiny – I promised myself the minute I was on my own and away from the laws of a parent that I would take control. Which I did, and at times all it did was allow me to be self indulgent and push things too far. At other times, it’s allowed me to push through situations without even a whimper, finding myself slightly surprised when people ask me “how did you get through that?” Sometimes, you just have to “Destroy What Destroys You” and move on. And right now I just refuse to let anything destroy me. I know this feeling won’t forever, the BPD I have will not allow it, so, I’m just going to revel in this while I can.