The Inevitable “What If?”

What am I doing?

Am I making the right decision? Have I ever?

I have been told over and over by people who know me for the real me that this… this is the first time in my lifetime that they have ever seen me question myself. I do NOT question myself. My emotions and feelings have always been night and day; I always know how I feel and how to react.

But not anymore. I started a transition over a year ago that while I knew it would impact my emotional reactions and hopefully let me end up for the better, ended up amplifying my attention to detail… no matter what the subject.

My health lately is my top concern and priority. At 31 years old, five feet and two inches tall, I should not weigh a mere 103 pounds. My clothes should not be loose and baggy, I should not bruise so easily due to my blood being so thin from mass alcohol consumption, I shouldn’t have to be worrying about the way my teeth feel right now.

I should not have let everything in my life – for my life – get so out of control.

But I run away from everything that impacts me on a level I cannot control. Weather it be amazing or awful; if I am not in total control I have no fucking idea or inclination of how to react.

One thing I do realize – no matter anyone elses opinion – I have always recognized the impact I have made on others when it comes to emotions. I see it and recognize it because I feel like no one ever did that for me; but it doesn’t mean that I’m a saint at fixing my flaws. I am the worst person to repair damage I have done.

Part of that is why I can’t stand myself sometimes.


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