So I Donโ€™t Have To Feel

I usually drink so I donโ€™t have to feel or think about anything. When you have an overactive mind with excruciating attention to detail like I do, things can become a bit too much on a daily basis. Normal things, like the noise of traffic or machinery running, the hum of the filter on my fish tank, the vibration of my phone when a notification happens, even just noticing minute differences in things that are not entirely symmetrical. I tend to overthink about things in my life like relationships and hobbies I have, projects Iโ€™ve started and never finished, friends and family members I closed myself off to because of one reason or another. I can seriously hold a grudgeโ€ฆ even against myself.

The funny part is, I can give the greatest advice. Iโ€™m usually the one my friends come to when they need help with something or just need to talk and vent about their problems. And Iโ€™m usually very happy to oblige them. My generosity can extend pretty far, but there is no gray area; Iโ€™m either incredibly happy to do something โ€“ or Iโ€™m making up excuses as to why Iโ€™m too busy to deal with it at the time. I have no โ€œin-betweenโ€ the two feelings of wanting to be social and wanting my solitude.

My drinking, however, has very little to do โ€“ if at all โ€“ with those feelings. Iโ€™ve been this way my entire life. My addiction on the other hand? Thatโ€™s a whole different story. I try to control my alcoholism the best I can. I tell myself I canโ€™t be that bad because I still make my car payment on time, my rent on time, and other bills on time. I go to work, excel at my job, and still continue to throw myself into my hobbies and learn new crafts. But then I look at my bank account, the excessive amount of money I spend, the days I have stayed home from work because I drank until I was sick the night before, and the arguments I’veโ€™ had with loved ones while drunk that I canโ€™t even remember the next day. Itโ€™s a double-edged sword, and I cut myself with it every day.

Maybe getting back to writing will help. Hell, I have piles of journals and binders full of writings from when I was younger and it was all I wanted to do. Ever since I was a child my mind has worked faster than my hands could write or type. My mind is filled with sentences and phrases and things I want to say but have no idea how to organize. Itโ€™s even worse when I drink. All I want to do is open myself up and pour all the words out on the floor like a game of pick-up-sticks so I can finally see them instead of think them.

Time will tell if this helps.